Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
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Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.