@buhrooke

This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. 🥺

Normally, I do not go because I am poor.

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@DanMentos

“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and

@beefman138

*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.

@mommajessiec

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

@skanetos

You: Wth is wrong with you?
Me: I learned to dance during the 80’s..

@Home_Halfway

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

@shutupmikeginn

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

@jqfonseca

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer

@Mom_Overboard

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

@impaulmccoy

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok