This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. 🥺

Normally, I do not go because I am poor.

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“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and


*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.


*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]


You: Wth is wrong with you?
Me: I learned to dance during the 80’s..


Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage


If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?


Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.


A disturbed lecturer


Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.


Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok