me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
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I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
A duv-egg? In this economy?
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
handsome & gretel
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze