“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”

“What’s that Sarge?”

“Someone’s building a pig.”

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Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.


Marriage counselor:

Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.


i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video


[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?


What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?

Starchy and Husk


Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?


I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?


My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram


Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas


I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days


Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”