Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
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Starchy and Husk
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
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I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”