@geraintgriffith

“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”

“What’s that Sarge?”

“Someone’s building a pig.”

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@thenatewolf

Hot lady mouse looking for good time. Any mouse will do boy mouse or girl mouse. Groups preferred. Meet in woods AT NIGHT. Will be a hoot.

@Reverend_Scott

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

@AnkCoupleTO

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

@ODeadInside

Is there a way to fall gracefully? No.

But am I able to rise from this graceless decline and be the best possible version of myself? Also no.

@TheHyyyype

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

@AndyLeeman91

If I had £1 for every good decision I’d ever made in my life I’d have £0

@DurtMcHurtt

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

@Reverend_Scott

I believe I can flyyy.

I believe I can touch the skyyy.

I believe I was mistaaaken.

I believe I’m faaalling.

I believe I’m gonna diiiie.