“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
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If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
oppen heimer style lol
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.