@artdecaderoo

this is the funniest shit i’ve seen all week

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@JustBeingEmma

My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”

@pstamato

[7:30pm]
Tonight I’ll actually go to bed on time and get sleep!

[2:30am]
the most money ever paid for a cow at an auction was $1.3 million

@Nikkeya08

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..

@AbbieEvansXO

SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did

@TheCiscoKidder

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

@dumbbeezie

Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings

@Dr_powpow

Like every good global citizen I’ve reduced my power consumption by 50% by running all my power off the neighbours while they’re on vacation

@EvilHeart20

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more