My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
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Tonight I’ll actually go to bed on time and get sleep!
the most money ever paid for a cow at an auction was $1.3 million
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Like every good global citizen I’ve reduced my power consumption by 50% by running all my power off the neighbours while they’re on vacation
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more