Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
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It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.