this is the funniest shit i’ve seen all week

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gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope


In general my philosophy is do whatever you want if it doesn’t hurt people and it’s not two spaces after a period.


Once you go black, you can always go back to having coffee with milk, there’s really no set in stone rules here.


I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!


Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.


[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did


If you use your alarm to look for your car in a parking lot someone will eventually help you find it by yelling “It’s over here you idiot!”


The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.


My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.


I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.