You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
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[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
You wanna watch DIE HARD? I’ll tell you who died hard. Christ. For your sins, buster.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
little red riding hood: grandma what big teeth you have
gary busey: wrong house