Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
You Might Also Like
I’m not lazy. I’m just stopping the sofa from floating away.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
When Catwoman gets older, does she become Cougarwoman?
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
1am: Huh, I’m not tired…
2am: I feel great! Maybe I don’t need sleep?
3am: LET’S EXECUTE EVERY IDEA I’VE EVER HAD.
3:04am: Euthanise me.
ME: what is an IV for