@LogicLaughs

“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”

Me: Sees Video

Me: Checks Internet

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@ThugRaccoons

Cop: You’re wanted for murder

Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?

Cop: What?

Me: Huh?

@jimmy_sharpe

I’m not lazy. I’m just stopping the sofa from floating away.

@legendofchelda

Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie

@dave_cactus

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

@KattsDogma

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.

@karanbirtinna

One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.

@Social_Mime

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

@markleggett

1am: Huh, I’m not tired…

2am: I feel great! Maybe I don’t need sleep?

3am: LET’S EXECUTE EVERY IDEA I’VE EVER HAD.
3:04am: Euthanise me.