“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
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Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee