“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”

Me: Sees Video

Me: Checks Internet

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You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.


[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.



WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative


You wanna watch DIE HARD? I’ll tell you who died hard. Christ. For your sins, buster.


I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?


I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged


Me: maybe we should let it live

Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?

Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale

Ahab: …ha

Me: haha

Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez

Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot

Ahab: oh like immediately


Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.


Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.


little red riding hood: grandma what big teeth you have

gary busey: wrong house