“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”

Me: Sees Video

Me: Checks Internet

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Cop: You’re wanted for murder

Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?

Cop: What?

Me: Huh?


I’m not lazy. I’m just stopping the sofa from floating away.


Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie


ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.


Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.


One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.


When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.


1am: Huh, I’m not tired…

2am: I feel great! Maybe I don’t need sleep?

3:04am: Euthanise me.