This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
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MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
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My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.