@GirlyBibIe

this is the greatest thing ever

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@Marlebean

When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.

@Douchekevin

A cash bar on parent / teacher interview nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.

@chuuew

SON: Why did mommy leave?

ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?

SON: Yeah

ME: She said that shit was fake yo

@Reverend_Scott

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

@Parkerlawyer

Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”

Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”

Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”

@showerfeelings

Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

@English_Channel

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.