[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
You Might Also Like
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.