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When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
A cash bar on parent / teacher interview nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]
BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator