This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
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why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
✌🏽
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Can. I. Help. You.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.