“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
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Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Spell check is for lasers.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you