ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
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ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*
August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
“WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME RIGHT NOW?”
-the first person to drink coffee
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
whn someone is like “Queen i love ur tweets” i’m like wowwww…we need comprehensive mental healthcare in this country
Counselor: Why do you resent your wife
Me: She made me get out of line for Springsteen tix
M: Something about her water breaking
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?