This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
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[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.