Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
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Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )