“This is the last time I’m going to tell you!”
*Biggest lie parents tell kids

“And I mean it.”
*Biggest lie parents tell themselves

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[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
You might want to sit down


My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.


sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big


STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius


As we develop robots, we should make them out of pretzels or cotton candy that way if they become self aware we could just eat them


Therapist: How are you feeling

Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂

Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this


I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.