[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
You might want to sit down
“This is the last time I’m going to tell you!”
*Biggest lie parents tell kids
“And I mean it.”
*Biggest lie parents tell themselves
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My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
As we develop robots, we should make them out of pretzels or cotton candy that way if they become self aware we could just eat them
“Are you ok?”
Never heard of him
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.