@MidlifeDish

“This is the last time I’m going to tell you!”
*Biggest lie parents tell kids

“And I mean it.”
*Biggest lie parents tell themselves

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@DanMentos

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

@BobGolen

My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.

@JurassicPark2go

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

@tarashoe

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

@Playing_Dad

As we develop robots, we should make them out of pretzels or cotton candy that way if they become self aware we could just eat them

@RobbyActually

Therapist: How are you feeling

Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂

Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this

@Parkerlawyer

I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.