I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
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I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.