So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
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I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.