I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
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5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”