this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
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[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
this came to me in a vision
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
This meal prepping shit easy
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!