this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
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Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself