this is the news I live for
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[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*