Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.

When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.

Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

you know what ruined my childhood? children

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?

he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other

My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.

[future]

Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?

Me: Internet arguments, mostly

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense

Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”

Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.

Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.

Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.

Me: So you have it too?

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos