This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
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Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Uh oh…
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Lucky old June.