Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
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I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I wish this was real life…
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.