This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
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What a relief. Bring on the nukes
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb