@meladoodle

this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes

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@JanineEB4

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

@iinkedZombie

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

@clichedout

kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend

me:

kidnapper:

me: which friend

@ItsAndyRyan

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

@bulls_horns

25% of twitter users are on medication for mental illness, which means 75% are running around untreated.

@DaddyJew

*stands outside of karate dojo practicing karate for free through the window*

@Sleinso

[First date]

Her: I love parkour.

Me: *trying to impress* My ancestors were monkeys.

@shutupmikeginn

Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”