During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
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The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
can’t catch a break