@ibid78

“THIS IS THE POLICE. WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED. ARE U ALONE?”
-YEAH, I GUESS I NEVER MET THE RIGHT GIRL, BAD TIMING MOSTLY. ALSO WORK IS HECTIC

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@10InchesPlus

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

@handsock_butts

Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

@DamonHunzeker

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

@PhilJamesson

me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady

@MunkMania

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@jonnysun

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

@bartandsoul

“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome

@primawesome

If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.