my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
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Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock