“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

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My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.


Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”


I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.


Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early


My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.


The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.


Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*


Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*


Being poor means having to read the menu card from right to left.