@Jake_Vig

“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

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@AuthorAlisa

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

@Jake_Vig

Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”

@AbbyHasIssues

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

@NomDeBenoit

Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early

@AnitaAlibi

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

@louisvirtel

The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.

@geowizzacist

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

@BoogTweets

Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*

@MoarCaffeine

Being poor means having to read the menu card from right to left.