“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
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Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
My patronus is a cheeseburger
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”