@amandakem

This is the saddest product I have ever seen in my life.

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@JediGigi

Dating Profile

Sex: Probably

Favorite Food: Yes

Favorite Movie: Star Wars

Favorite Book: LOLZ

@stockejock

Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?

@Soeljchillinger

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

@Reverend_Scott

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

@TheCamJude

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

@markedly

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

@highmay29

Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest

@CarpentersCrack

I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.

@truegritrumble

WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*