Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
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Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
“The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it
[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*