“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
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Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Lube but for my dry humor.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.