@PickleRudd

This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.

She’s…..

Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis

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@JermHimselfish

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

@WheelTod

Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.

@skedaddle74

Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.

She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…

@batkaren

“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”

@Bentono10

So today I was lookin at a girl bcuz she had a piece of lettuce in her hair & she looks at me and said “I have a boyfriend” ok lettuce head

@OctopusCaveman

My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.

@urmumsausername

A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”