This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
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Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Not all heroes wear capes….
I…do not understand how electricity works.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”