This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
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moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Happy Taco Tuesday
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs