I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
You Might Also Like
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?