@KeetPotato

this is the worst weather ive ever seen
“what about when the wind had sharks in it?”
that was a movie dad
“oh excuse me weather expert”

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@mom_tho

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

@kentgrossarth

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

@Metalligretch

I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?

Wife:

Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want

@lexizinger

at my wedding my cat will be the flower girl and she will be guided down the aisle with a laser pointer

@LurkAtHomeMom

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

@better_off_dad2

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.

@david8hughes

[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]

@MrSandeepP

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

@HenpeckedHal

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences