This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
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I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
If snakes were wide
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer