This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.


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If you’re buying your pregnancy test at the dollar store it’s probably because he bought is his condoms there too.


This poster that says “Green Day: Sold Out” is right in two ways


Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?

Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.

Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.

Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.


Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.


SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane


<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no


Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.


Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.