If you’re buying your pregnancy test at the dollar store it’s probably because he bought is his condoms there too.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
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This poster that says “Green Day: Sold Out” is right in two ways
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.