This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
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ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.