this is uni
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It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together