This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
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My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.