This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
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You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
same vibe as tangled headphones
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
when nothing goes right… go left
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.