@portmanteauface

“This is where the magic happens”

– cliché
– kinda pervy
– false as you are not a wizard

“Welcome to the jungle”

– metal af
– implies excellent musical taste
– accurate as you are 40 and live alone amongst myriad houseplants

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@supermarkusa

Jehovah Witnesses are excited because now they Know y’all are gonna be home when they come knocking on the door.

@Reverend_Scott

[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

@PAT_E_ROCK

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

@noog

When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.

@kitkova

(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?

@IamEnidColeslaw

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

@notorious_stars

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

@RedRegenerated

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

@DaddyJew

I save most of my sweet talking for different forms of potatoes

@TheBoydP

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?