Here, hold my drink. Ruining this is going to take both hands.
“This is where the magic happens”
– kinda pervy
– false as you are not a wizard
“Welcome to the jungle”
– metal af
– implies excellent musical taste
– accurate as you are 40 and live alone amongst myriad houseplants
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People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
*jumps on perpetually offended bandwagon*
*gets pushed off for laughing*
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…
One year later…
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Me: Take this
My Uber passenger: *holds gun in blood soaked car* WTF JUS HAPPENED?
Me: You tell me “Mr Finger prints on a murder weapon”
“daddy where do babies come from”
“we just don’t know, sweetie…*peers through blinds, the sky is dark with babies* “…we just don’t know”
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.