Jehovah Witnesses are excited because now they Know y’all are gonna be home when they come knocking on the door.
“This is where the magic happens”
– kinda pervy
– false as you are not a wizard
“Welcome to the jungle”
– metal af
– implies excellent musical taste
– accurate as you are 40 and live alone amongst myriad houseplants
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[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Cop: have you been drinking?
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
I save most of my sweet talking for different forms of potatoes
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?