me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
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It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
LOL
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?