“This is where the magic happens”

– cliché
– kinda pervy
– false as you are not a wizard

“Welcome to the jungle”

– metal af
– implies excellent musical taste
– accurate as you are 40 and live alone amongst myriad houseplants

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Here, hold my drink. Ruining this is going to take both hands.


People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”


*jumps on perpetually offended bandwagon*

*gets pushed off for laughing*


People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.


When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.


*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*


Me: Take this

My Uber passenger: *holds gun in blood soaked car* WTF JUS HAPPENED?

Me: You tell me “Mr Finger prints on a murder weapon”


“daddy where do babies come from”
“we just don’t know, sweetie…*peers through blinds, the sky is dark with babies* “…we just don’t know”


I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.