I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
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Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
War & Peace
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”