“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
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I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Me if I was a dog
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.