This is why I hate group projects
You Might Also Like
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Quadruple digit IQ
is nasa ok
No way!
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?