lost dog
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Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
congratulations to them
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here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.