boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
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Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.