This can never not be funny 😭😭
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My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
*struts into the new year
~ trips