I hope Alan is OK
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Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
that lip filler tho
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.