“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
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someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Put this video in the Louvre
good let them take over I have had enough
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth