“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
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Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.